Boundaries vs. Barriers: How Knowing the Difference Helps Neurospicy Parents Thrive

Today, as the builders replace our garden fence, I found myself reflecting on the concept of boundaries and barriers—a distinction that’s just as relevant in parenting as it is in business or even back gardens. Watching the fence go up, I noticed how it clearly marked where our space ends and the neighbour’s begins. For us, this fence is simply a boundary; for our dog, however, it’s a barrier, keeping her out of the neighbour’s garden. This small observation carries a powerful insight into parenting neurodivergent children, especially when it comes to creating boundaries and barriers that actually work for them.

Boundaries and barriers may sound similar, but in practice, they serve different purposes. For parents of neurospicy kids, learning to set up both can be the key to creating a calm, structured environment that promotes everyone’s well-being and growth. I'd like to talk about the difference between the two and how each can play a role in family life.

Boundaries: Marking Out Space for Growth

Boundaries are like the new fence marking the edge of our garden. In parenting, boundaries help us communicate expectations, foster respect, and create routines that make life more predictable. Think of them as the visible markers that define what’s okay and what isn’t, offering a reliable structure for your child to work within.

For neurospicy children, clear boundaries provide a sense of safety. Because many neurodivergent kids thrive on predictability and structure, boundaries offer them a guide they can lean on. For instance, you might establish a boundary around screen time, with set hours and rules for device use. Or you might create a family routine around mealtimes or bedtime, which helps kids know what to expect and when.

Setting boundaries also means communicating openly with your child about what these boundaries mean and why they’re important. Instead of issuing boundaries as strict “rules,” framing them as family guidelines can help your child understand the purpose behind them. “We have a quiet hour after dinner to help us all unwind and get ready for bed,” could be a gentle way of framing a boundary, rather than saying “No noise after dinner!” With neurospicy kids, explaining why the boundary exists often helps them accept it, rather than feeling restricted.

Barriers: Providing Extra Support When It’s Needed

Barriers are a little different; they’re the added support systems that help us prevent burnout and overload. If boundaries mark out the basics of what we expect, barriers are like reinforcements that protect our mental and emotional energy. Neurospicy kids often face extra challenges around managing their sensory inputs or staying on task. Barriers offer them—and us as parents—the extra help to stay calm, balanced, and focused.

In practical terms, a barrier might look like creating a quiet, sensory-friendly corner in the house where your child can decompress when they’re feeling overwhelmed. It could be scheduling certain “no-go” zones for high-stress activities, such as making mornings 'screen-free' to avoid meltdowns over stopping a programme to get ready for school. Or, for children who are easily overstimulated, barriers might mean setting up noise-cancelling headphones or dimming the lights in the evening.

Barriers give our children that extra layer of support and sometimes, it’s even a barrier for ourselves as parents. For instance, if responding to emails immediately creates extra stress, setting a “no emails after 8 pm” rule can be a barrier that protects your energy and ensures you’re more present for your child the next day. It’s a small step that makes a big difference to everyone in the home.

How Boundaries and Barriers Work Together

In a balanced family dynamic, boundaries and barriers work hand in hand. Boundaries define the basic expectations, while barriers add the support needed to uphold those expectations without undue stress or struggle. Both are essential: boundaries help our children understand what’s expected of them, and barriers offer them the flexibility to handle those expectations in a way that respects their needs.

Let’s take an example: Let’s say your boundary is that homework needs to be done by dinnertime. This boundary is clear, consistent, and ensures homework doesn’t drag on all evening. To make this work smoothly, you might add a barrier by creating a quiet homework zone free from distractions like TV or other family activities. The homework zone acts as a barrier, providing your child with the environment they need to concentrate and achieve the boundary that’s been set.

When both boundaries and barriers are in place, your child has a structure to follow that’s realistic and supportive. Rather than feeling confined by rules, they feel encouraged to succeed within a system designed to meet their needs.

Building Boundaries and Barriers That Work for Your Family

As neurospicy parents, we know that one size doesn’t fit all. Creating boundaries and barriers that work requires tuning in to your child’s unique personality, preferences, and challenges. It’s an evolving process, and there will be plenty of trial and error along the way. If a boundary or barrier doesn’t seem to be working, it’s okay to adjust it until you find what does.

Like this wall, boundaries and barriers are unique to your family, situation and child

Remember, boundaries and barriers don’t have to be complicated to be effective. A boundary could be as simple as “no devices at the dinner table,” while a barrier could be allowing your child to use a sensory fidget under the table if they struggle with sitting still. As you create these systems, check in with your child regularly, talk about what’s working and what isn’t, and let them have a say where appropriate. This process not only helps them feel understood but also teaches them valuable skills in setting up their own boundaries and barriers as they grow older.

Embracing Boundaries and Barriers for a Calmer Home

Creating a calm, positive environment for neurospicy kids doesn’t mean eliminating every challenge they face. Instead, it’s about using boundaries to guide them and barriers to protect their (and our) energy levels. With these tools in place, we’re able to help our children navigate the world in a way that feels safe, structured, and supportive, allowing them to thrive both at home and beyond.

So, when you think about setting boundaries and barriers, remember: you’re doing more than managing behaviour. You’re building a foundation that helps everyone in the family feel safe, understood, and empowered. And that, as neurospicy parents, is one of the most valuable things we can give.